Good Grief!

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. …. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the be same, nor would you want to.” Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

When we hear the word “grief”, we often think of death but that’s not the only thing that causes grief. You can grieve people who are still alive. You can grieve lost opportunities and dreams that never came to fruition. Grief, by definition, is the emotional reaction experienced after a loss. This emotional reaction can look like denial, anger, bargaining, depression and/or acceptance (the five stages of grief, according to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross). These can happen at any time after the loss and in any order. The loss may be related to a death, separation, or change that results in a loss of status, ability, or security. Therefore, every time we lose someone or something of value, we are most likely to experience grief; yet many of us don’t acknowledge it as such.

I can think of quite a few incidents in my life where grief was present and I didn’t recognize it. The first memory that comes to mind was when my parents separated. I was five years old. I can still picture myself clinging to the taxi and holding onto the door because I didn’t want my mom to leave. She didn’t want to leave; she was asked to leave and I now know that she was dealing with her own grief at that time. I ended up leaving with her but for diverse reasons, most of them out of her control, I had to return to my father’s home. I have half-siblings from both of my parents, but the childhood I dreamed of never materialized.

It was probably grief when I found myself in a new country at the age of ten. Although New York City felt like where everyone in Africa wanted to be, for me it was just one more place where I felt like I didn’t belong. I grieved life as I knew it, all the while being somewhat excited about all the good things I was experiencing in this new land. I grieved the familiar things I left behind. I grieved what life would have been like growing up in an environment that valued community over individuality, a place where people took care of each other, and everyone was family. Yet, I embraced all the opportunities New York City and life in America had to offer … better education, a new language, more opportunity for growth, etc. Yes, grief and excitement can co-exist!

The marriage that ended in divorce was another loss that I didn’t expect. Being married at twenty, thinking it was going to be ‘happily ever after’, to end up signing divorce papers at age thirty-three — after over three years of separation — was devastating, to say the least. I then grieved the marriage I dreamed of, the family I prayed for, the ministry opportunities that were possible within that relationship, the friendships, and relatives. So much loss!

Grief was debilitating after I experienced a health crisis that affected my ability to speak, write, see, walk, work; in other words, life as I knew it. I have come such a long way since the incident, but I remember that November 22, 2017, when doctors thought I was having a stroke and then three weeks later I was still in a residential rehabilitation center. I grieved each body part, each skill lost, each experience missed while recovering and even almost four years later, I still grieve the body I once had. I grieved the business contracts I had to cancel. I grieved the opportunities I had to forgo because of my acquired limitations. I grieved what could have been if this setback had not happened to me. You might be thinking, “it’s been four years and you have accomplished so much and are doing so much better”. And you are totally right. But, guess what? There is no time limit on grief. Just because a long time has passed, and/or life seems to be going well, it does not mean that someone should be done grieving. Grieving has no time limit.

I recall when my cousin died of malaria in Congo. I couldn’t travel back home. Although I grieved her life, the grief that seemed even harder was bigger than any single life. I grieved the lack of adequate medical care in Africa. I grieved the lack of emotional, financial, and educational support for young women in Congo, especially single moms. I grieved the things she could have accomplished and experienced in her lifetime if she had the resources to do so. I grieved generations of women whose full potential never saw the day, not because they couldn’t but because they were not given opportunities to do. I grieved for every girl, daughter, niece, cousin, aunt, mother, and sister in Congo and Africa as a whole. I cried for womanhood. Even though all this grief was brought on by the death of my cousin, what I was grieving at the end, and up to this day, is not necessarily death-related. One grief experience uncovered many other things I needed and wanted to grieve as well. Often, we never just have one single grief when we experience loss. Grief is often compounded; one loss can bring about many losses in one single experience.

I recently lost a very good friend who was like an older sister to me, especially when I needed it the most. She was such great support for me when I had my first child. Over the years, she had moved out of the area and I wish I had done a better job at staying in touch. We reconnected a few years ago and she invited me to go visit her and for what felt like valid reasons at the time, I was not able to make the trip. When I found out about her death, I was devasted. I was not aware that her cancer had returned and I was mad at myself for not making that trip to go see her.

Sometimes things are left unsaid or issues are not resolved before the loss of our loved ones. These can make it more difficult to move forward in the grief recovery process. If you need closure, these questions are a good place to start.

To Help You Get Closure…

If you could speak with your loved one again, what would you like to say?

What unresolved issues do you think need to be addressed for you to be at peace?

What can you do to address any unresolved issues? (i.e. Express your gratitude to a family member)

If it would be helpful, write a letter expressing your feelings and/or thoughts.

Read it aloud to yourself, another person, or an empty chair.

Grief can also bring along other uncomfortable emotions such as guilt. And beating ourselves up over what we ‘should have, would have, or could have done’ is not always helpful. I had to let go of the things I couldn’t change and accept them for what they were. Instead of letting guilt take over, I had to give myself permission to freely grief. We can’t go back and change things in the past. What are you holding on to that’s preventing you from grieving fully? Here are a few reflective statements to help you out.

Letting Go Statements

In order to fully mourn my loss, I let go of these thoughts:

Example: I can’t manage without him/her.

In order to fully mourn my loss, I let go of this guilt:

In order to fully mourn my loss, I let go of these plans for the future:

In order to fully mourn my loss, I let go of these painful memories:

In order to fully mourn my loss, I let go of these unspoken words:

In order to fully mourn my loss, I let go of these lost opportunities:

Furthermore, we’ve all accumulated many losses throughout our lives and for most of us, this 2020–2021 global pandemic season has been quite difficult. Whether we are grieving loved ones who died from an illness or unexpectedly, jobs you’ve lost, children or friends who moved away, routines that have been disrupted, a relationship that ended too soon, dreams that never fulfilled… we need to remember that grief is part of life. We all have grief to process and that is okay. Don’t numb your pain, acknowledge that you have experienced loss, and allow yourself to process it; but don’t get stuck there either.

How are you coping with the losses in your life? The short self-assessment below will help you assess how well you are navigating your grief journey.

Grief Recovery Assessment

___ I have someone that I can talk with about my feelings.

___ I can express my feelings openly.

___ The loss has become a reality now.

___ I am sleeping enough at this time.

___ I am not self-medicating with alcohol.

___ My appetite is back to normal.

___ I do not avoid people or isolate myself for extended periods of time.

___ As time passes, I am coping better.

___ I am not concerned about where I am in the grieving process.

___ I have made peace with my loss.

___ I am no longer angry about my loss.

___ My sadness lifts at times.

___ I can remember the good times with my lost loved one.

___ I want to move forward, but never forget.

___ I feel hopeful about the future.

Scoring

Count the number of checkmarks. Your responses will vary at different stages of the grief process.

10–15 — You are coping and managing your grief well.

5–9 — Things are still pretty difficult for you — let’s talk.

Less than 5 — We need to talk about how things are going for you.

It’s no surprise that grief changes us. As I navigate many losses, I am learning that it’s okay if my life is never the same. We cannot be the same when we have experienced loss and that can be a hard pill to swallow. However, when we accept this reality, it frees us to embrace the new season without forgetting the old. We can choose to move forward and still honor our loss. Some losses have helped me be more intentional about my relationships, whether it’s making more time for them or setting boundaries where needed. Other losses inspired me to slow down and appreciate every moment. Yet others motivated me to advocate for change in diverse ways. Although each loss impacts me differently, they have each taken something from me and I am continually embracing what they have to give me. Yes, grief is never pleasant but it can be good when we accept all of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I leave you with this; you don’t have to grieve alone. There are resources available to support you and a whole community of people who get it. We compiled a few of them for you at https://bit.ly/griefandlossresources.

If you need a safe place to process and recover, you can connect with me at https://calendly.com/graceandhopeconsulting. Together, let’s make it a good grief!

Read more inspirational stories of others overcoming grief at https://bit.ly/griefstories1